i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
