what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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