Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So squirting runs in the family.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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