but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
