I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
