Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
