If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
