I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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