You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
