My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
