I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
