This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
