The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
