Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
