The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
