new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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