Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
