I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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