I just cut my nipple shaving
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
