you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All the doctor said was why
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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