i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
