She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
