ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
