i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
