Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize