I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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