True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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