Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
