I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
