But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
