It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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