the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
