I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
