I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
