Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
