I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
