It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
