Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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