You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
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mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
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It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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