so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
