I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
