Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
