can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
