now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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