I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
