The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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