I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
