I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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