She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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