You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
