smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
