Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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