Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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