When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
