Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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