We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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