There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
