Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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