Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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