My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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