His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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