I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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